Sins of the father.

Sins of the father.

This is not a biblical or religious post. It is just a title that seems to fit this post, at least for me. This is a story about how parents who separate or divorce often cause pain to their children. I want to believe that the suffering of the children is not intentional but how can you turn your back on their agony and the tears they shed so freely?

Blind rage, hatred and reciprocity fill your heart. Lost hope. Shattered dreams. Broken promises. Empty vows. Seemingly normal adults are reduced to a thug existence. Lies are told. False accusations. Family and Children Services investigation drag on. Reputations questioned. Friends and family take sides. Hearings. Final decrees.

Did your union end because of an affair? If the answer is yes, then your lust for revenge is stronger than ever. You say horrific things about your ex, either to your children or in their presence without seeing the pain and confusion you are causing your own babies. They see your pain. No, they FEEL your pain. They often become protective of the parent whose pain is most obvious. They take on your vendetta towards the "guilty" parent. Visitation becomes unpleasant, at best. Some refuse to go for visitation. Some parents are denied visitation due to non-payment of child support.

Perhaps the affair turns into a marriage. She/He will almost always be jealous and/or controlling. After all, the offender did love you first. You will always be seen as a threat. The offender often allows the new spouse to make certain rules about how visitation will work. Transfer of the child must take place in his or her presence. You will never again be allowed to have a private conversation regarding the raising of your children with the other parent. There are almost always different rules to follow. Step parents often think their opinions are of equal importance.

I beg of you to open your eyes and see what you are doing to your babies. Do you remember the promise you made the moment they were born? You promised to love and protect them forever. How could you forget? They may need protection from you. Your pain is nothing compared to the anguish you are causing them. You tuck them in at night thinking all is well. You fail to see their tear stained pillow on laundry day. You can't understand why their grades are falling. Their lives look perfect on Facebook. Snapchat and Kik tell a different version. You don't get to see those transactions. They don't show you the cuts they make in their precious skin. They look for love in all the wrong places. They write suicide notes not yet having the courage to act. Their greatest hope is for you to see how much pain they are in so you can fix it.

One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me when they divorced was to only speak kindly of the other parent. They both felt hurt and anger and they loved me enough to keep me out of it. They were always cordial to each other on visitation transfer days. They did not allow friends or family to speak in a derogatory manner about my other parent. THEY DID NOT KEEP ME FROM SEEING MY SIBLINGS!  I cannot thank my parents enough for the positive choices they made on my behalf.

I chose to live with my father at the age of 12. My little brother and sister moved to England with their father. They were 3 and 5 at the time. I did not think I would miss them too much as I spent much of my time caring for them as my mom was very ill during my childhood. I couldn't have been more wrong. I spent a solid two years crying myself to sleep every night wishing I could hold them one more time. I hadn't realized just how deep our connection was.  I cut. I tried drugs. I tried sex. I ran away and was raped at 13. I stole. I stopped trying in school. I cared about nothing. Well, almost. I prayed every night for my father to see what pain I was in so he could fix it. He knew nothing of this pain until about two months ago. I finally told him at the age of 53. My acting out finally makes sense to him. I know he feels tremendous guilt. His wife made my life hell. I was never allowed to speak of my mother nor was I even allowed to say her name. My dad travelled every week for work. She often denied me food. She didn't want me to get fat like some of the women on my mom's side of the family. When I got caught sneaking food, I was punished. She acted like the best mom ever any time my dad or family was around. No one believed me when I told them of her ugliness to me. If your child is telling you how evil their step parent is - you need to listen and show some trust in them. I made several suicide attempts because no one believed me.

Are you divorced? Are your children acting out? Do either of you speak poorly of the other? Have either of you been vindictive and allowed your babies to be a witness to your behavior? Do they have a step parent whom they do not like or get along with?

Why would I tell you about the poor choices I made as a teenager? It's because I don't want you to have to bury your child. Children often don't verbalize the he'll the live in. It is your job as parent to look for the signs. It is your job to protect them just as you promised. It is your job to get them the help they need when you don't have the necessary tools to fix the problem. I spent a lifetime making poor choices because of my horrible home life with a wicked stepmother. Put your big girl/boy panties on and don't make your child a party to your crap.

I have been raising my nephew for 6 years. He has a brother whom he loves more than life itself. He lives 30 minutes away from us. He has not seen him in 7 years because of a vendetta against the mom and the woman he had an affair with is extremely controlling and evil. They have brainwashed the older brother so that he will have no contact with his little brother. I have seen the tear stained pillowcase. There isn't a holiday that goes by without tears. Jose, you have destroyed the hearts of two little boys. I believe in forgiveness, but I don't think I can ever forgive you and I certainly won't forget.

Please love your children enough to be kind to them.

Do not keep your children from their family unless there really is abuse going on. If you try to destroy the other parent, just know you will be destroying your child as well.